You Ever Tried Turning Off the TV

A true inspiration for the children. Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. We’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go home. And then the battle’s not so bad? I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

But with the blast shield down, I can’t even see!

Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Oh yeah, good luck with that. Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]

Ok, we’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go ride the bumper cars. Tell them I hate them. What’s with you kids? Every other day it’s food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I’ll get you some stupid food. I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. You mean while I’m sleeping in it? Hello Morbo, how’s the family?

Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk

You’re going back for the Countess, aren’t you? Too much work. Let’s burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by “devil”, I mean Robot Devil. And by “metaphorically”, I mean get your coat. Eeeee! Now say “nuclear wessels”! Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

I’m Santa Claus! Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it? OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!

Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Is today’s hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Say what? [hands Bender a wad of dollar bills] Large bet on myself in round one.

Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. But existing is basically all I do! Why did you bring us here? [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute. Really?! I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don’t wanna be right. You are the last hope of the universe.

2 Comments View and Post Comments

  1. Aaron Lynch November 11, 2010

    But with the blast shield down, I can’t even see! How am I supposed to fight? Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them. The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.

    The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. I have traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to finding their secret base. Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you’re going.

  2. Daan Weijers November 11, 2010

    You don’t believe in the Force, do you? What good is a reward if you ain’t around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain’t my idea of courage. It’s more like…suicide. In my experience, there is no such thing as luck. Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him. I call it luck. Escape is not his plan. I must face him, alone.