I Dont Like Being Outdoors Smithers

He didnt give you gay, did he? Did he?! And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. How could you?! Havent you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnt hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am what cures cancer?

The Simpsons, what a show!

We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Understanding What’s Happening Here

I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. You don’t win friends with salad.

I was saying “Boo-urns.” Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Save me, Jeebus. I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

5 Comments View and Post Comments

  1. Prashant Karandikar November 11, 2010

    Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

  2. Aaron Lynch November 11, 2010

    She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them, and see to it personally, Commander. There’ll be no one to stop us this time! What?! I’m trying not to, kid. What good is a reward if you ain’t around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain’t my idea of courage. It’s more like…suicide.

  3. Sevenpixels November 11, 2010

    Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages! Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you! Tell them I hate them.

  4. Daan Weijers November 11, 2010

    Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. Cruel though they may be…

  5. Jaswinder Virdee November 11, 2010

    When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?