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2011 Porsche Cayenne S Hybrid to hit U.S. dealers in November

I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing? Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Where does that Leave us?

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Homer no function beer well without. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity. Thank you, steal again. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!

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4 Comments

  1. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

  2. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

  3. I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! I was saying “Boo-urns.”

  4. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

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