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You Ever Tried Turning Off the TV

A true inspiration for the children. Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. We’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go home. And then the battle’s not so bad? I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

But with the blast shield down, I can’t even see!

Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Oh yeah, good luck with that. Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]

Ok, we’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go ride the bumper cars. Tell them I hate them. What’s with you kids? Every other day it’s food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I’ll get you some stupid food. I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. You mean while I’m sleeping in it? Hello Morbo, how’s the family?

Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

Introducing SnapBlog

You don’t know how to do any of those. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Hey! I’m a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? It may comfort you to know that Fry’s death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels. Can I use the gun?

I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him. Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

Coming Soon to a website near you!

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Please do not offer my god a peanut. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Oh, but you can.

That’s The Spirit

You don’t know how to do any of those. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Hey! I’m a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? It may comfort you to know that Fry’s death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels. Can I use the gun?

Yeah Exactly!

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Please do not offer my god a peanut. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Human contact: the final frontier. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Fame was like a drug.

But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. Everything looks bad if you remember it. Please do not offer my god a peanut. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Human contact: the final frontier. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Fame was like a drug. You don’t know how to do any of those. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. There’s no part of that sentence I didn’t like!

I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute.

You’re going back for the Countess, aren’t you? Too much work. Let’s burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by “devil”, I mean Robot Devil. And by “metaphorically”, I mean get your coat. Eeeee! Now say “nuclear wessels”! Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

I’m Santa Claus! Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it? OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!

Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Is today’s hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Say what? [hands Bender a wad of dollar bills] Large bet on myself in round one.

Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. But existing is basically all I do! Why did you bring us here? [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute. Really?! I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don’t wanna be right. You are the last hope of the universe.

3 Comments

  1. WPBundle

    Is that a cooking show? I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!

  2. Liam McKay

    What?! All right. Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that’s what you’re best at, ain’t it? You’re all clear, kid. Let’s blow this thing and go home! I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I’m getting too old for this sort of thing.

  3. Chad Mueller

    I’m surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself. You mean it controls your actions? Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine. You’re all clear, kid. Let’s blow this thing and go home!

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