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I don’t like being outdoors Smithers

He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

The Simpsons, what a show!

We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Introducing SnapBlog

You don’t know how to do any of those. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Hey! I’m a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? It may comfort you to know that Fry’s death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels. Can I use the gun?

I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him. Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

Coming Soon to a website near you!

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Please do not offer my god a peanut. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Oh, but you can.

That’s The Spirit

You don’t know how to do any of those. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Hey! I’m a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? It may comfort you to know that Fry’s death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels. Can I use the gun?

Yeah Exactly!

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Please do not offer my god a peanut. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Human contact: the final frontier. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Fame was like a drug.

But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. Everything looks bad if you remember it. Please do not offer my god a peanut. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Human contact: the final frontier. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Fame was like a drug. You don’t know how to do any of those. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. There’s no part of that sentence I didn’t like!

Understanding What’s Happening Here

I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. You don’t win friends with salad.

I was saying “Boo-urns.” Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Save me, Jeebus. I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

3 Comments

  1. WPBundle

    Is that a cooking show? I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!

    But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop. [introducing himself] I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute. And when we woke up, we had these bodies. Tell them I hate them.

  2. Liam McKay

    The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. Escape is not his plan. I must face him, alone. I find your lack of faith disturbing. As you wish.

  3. Chad Mueller

    I call it luck. I can’t get involved! I’ve got work to do! It’s not that I like the Empire, I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now. It’s such a long way from here. In my experience, there is no such thing as luck. He is here. Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him.

    The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. Escape is not his plan. I must face him, alone. I find your lack of faith disturbing. As you wish.

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